Kill Me If You Want But ALL Men Are Dogs

Kill Me if You Want But All Men Are Dogs
Kill Me if You Want But All Men Are Dogs
Picture of Siloma Stephen

Siloma Stephen

Some guy asked a question, “Kwako una blender ama unakula matunda kama nyani?” And then some woman answered, “Nakula matunda kama shamba la Eden.” Na hapo ndipo nikajua lahaula, mafi mafi mushkila.

Sometimes I tend to agree with these Eden beauties that all men are dogs. For example, I know in a perfect men’s world towels would not exist. There is how to date when I come out of shower, I shake my body like a dog and then I remember, “Oooh, towels are used for wiping off butts.”

I wonder why so many men get irritated when Eden destroyers say, “All men are dogs.” I tend to think that it is a compliment. A name of royalty and greatness. Men would spend hundreds of thousands of dollars acquiring exotic dogs but wouldn’t want to be associated with them. I remember the guy who called Maina & King’agi to say he spends at least KES 300,000 on his dogs every month. And that’s when you want to approach the guy and ask him, “Can you adopt me as your dog?”

There is every dog in every man. Dogs are adorable, well, except a ‘mutina’. A mutina is a brown kikuyu street dog with many names; Bosco, Cheetah, Simba and Tiger. And by street I don’t mean urban streets, I mean local village shopping centers. In the village, they are called ‘mbwa ya town’. Ironically, those dogs live more years than some dark evil people.

Dogs are protectors, so are men. Dogs guard their own homes and so do men. Dogs hustle; maangai you guys should see the way a ‘mutina’ feigns affection when you are chewing your dry githeri. You should see its watery eyes simply because it is salivating for your mango. These mutinas eat everything and anything. Niko na kiurizo, aren’t men the same? 😆

Dogs are not driven by emotions, they will be loyal to their master and will not destroy their home. Do I crease the volume? I have never seen dogs gossiping. I just see them bite each other or play while scratching each others eyes. And that’s where Redbull stole their idea of extreme sports from. Dogs don’t fight; hapana, they do extreme sports to know who is the best, who can endure certain heights so that heshima idumu.

Dogs do so much for humanity but are always ignored. For example, they howled the whole night when was an impending earthquake in some country but people thought, this is just a dog, a mutina. Aren’t men the same? Aren’t they ignored simply because they are not supposed to express emotions. Dogs don’t howl often. Men on the other hand, don’t cry often. Get my point?

It is until we have faced the catastrophe that some TikTok videos of some dogs howling will surface and they would be like, “Nature is very beautiful, imagine they were warned by dogs but they didn’t hear.”

And yeah, we will be there, peeping through the rectangular abyss, our hearts skipping a beat with every thud of the lump hitting that wooden box reminiscing the joyous times we had with Mutina, or did I just misspell Mutinda’s name? And we would say, “And we were warned by Mutina, he never used to howl. He would only bark” but this time round he howled just before his jump in Redbull’s extreme sport; only that when he jumped, everybody was fast asleep in his bed and all spectators were tired of Mutina’s howl.

Some Mutinda around you is howling, and you can very well differentiate between a howl and a bark. The problem is that you wire your mind to think that a howl is not that different from a bark. “He will be okay, after all he is just a mutina, I know Mutinda, he can pull through,” You say…

It is only later that you realize that mutina didn’t even come from a Kikuyu village. You realize that you actually never knew mutina’s parents, that’s when you realize after years of scavenging the city’s heap and chewing sanitary pads for meat, you actually never really knew your counterpart, you have never even known his howl. And all you can do is to show your support on a WhatsApp group reminiscing the number of times you ignored that howl.

Well, I was talking about dogs and men, I was barking, I don’t know when this talk became a howl but some Mutinda around you is howling faintly. Don’t let Tiktok talk you out of the howl. Don’t let WhatsApp pump you the silly talk that, “He’s going to be okay. He’s a man.” Don’t let Facebook put silly conversations in your ear to ignore the howl.

If you are a friend to a man, check on them, go for nyama together, go shoot pool together, go for holidays together. The LGBTQ+ agenda has distanced mutinas using its divide and rule strategy and men are no longer there for each other. The agenda has made men weak through fake manhood. Men in the village hug and hold hands, in the city, they can only talk of biashara and their petrol machines.

Mutinas in the village walk in packs, play in dirty heaps of garbage and scheme ways to avoid the harsh street life. Mutindas in town drive the latest Mercedes, have a semi-english, semi-sheng’ lingo, speak big, but deep inside they are howling faintly.

Isn’t it time for Mutinda to remove the letter ‘d for dog’ in his name and simply become a mutina? 😂 See? I said it, “All men are dogs!” Dear men, let’s just be dogs, let’s bark, let’s play in murk, let’s bite each other’s furs, let’s hang in packs and wag our tails as if there’s no tomorrow!

Have you read my e-books? They are FREE! Because You Kenyans Love FREE things! Mumetuwachia comments za ‘Good Work’ na Mungu akubariki! Shida ni ati ata zikiwa FREE hamsomi! Nani aliwaroga aki?

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