I had to write this way long after the dust has settled down, to avoid an abduction by the FBI, CIA, PCEA, KNUT (add any other abbreviation you know) SWAT team. I hear when they abduct you, you cry on behalf of your little unborn babies. I don’t want that.

So they decided to effect the force of inclusivity on Trump. They said Trump is Maasai and he should have a mark; an ear mark for that matter to look like own of his own, like one of us. Screams of belief (Duru za kuaminika) say that the shooter was indeed a Maasai. There is no way he could have such a precision.

You see, I see so many couples trying to find a baby. We Maasais drive the spear outside the Manyatta and boom, twins. If the spear is facing the true north, that’s automatically quadruplets. Wait… We are supposed to talk about Trump.

So it is official that Trump is one of us dear Maasais and we are so privileged to receive such an honor. Start preparing because early next year we are going to relocate from this scorching country in Air Force 1s with all our cows. What we need now is to give Trump a well befitting Maasai name.

You see, when Barrack Obama came into power, Luos couldn’t be touched buana. They said ati ooh, “We Luos have dominated even the superpowers” and the rest of us especially we that live in what they call the wastelands were just to walk behind our cows and never to be heard. But see the Lord.

The Bible says that when the devil comes like a flood, He raises a standard. Many are the afflictions of the righteous but the Lord delivers from them all, Hallelujah? Yaani, the Lord…  Allow me first to shed tears of joy.

Bwana Yesu tulikufanyia nini sisi kama Wamasai ukatubariki hivi? Mbona unatupiga na mapenzi ya Sayuni? Umeamua kutuinua na kututunukia dhahabu na manemane. Umeamua kutupeleka nchi imiminikayo maziwa na asali. Tunakusujudia Bwana

Anyway…

I hope Luos have read Kutoka 33:3 where it says a ‘land flowing with milk and honey’ and not with ‘mbuta and omena’. Tumeelewana wadau? We all know milk and honey is the product of Maasais and the Bible says the last shall become the first. Imagine going to heaven and you see Alexander Josphat at the gate saying, “Wewe, Profesa Otis, leta kitambulisho.”

So some people just near us hapo Taita Taveta say ‘Sikio La Kufa Halisikii Dawa’. Let me ask, “How many Maasai’s do you see in hospitals?” Simple, our ears are dead. We don’t listen to the big pharma. And so is our new friend Trump, he has now joined the sikio la kufa bandwagon.

The guy shall not know any hospital nor ‘doctors’ who prescribe to him non-essential medication. He can now have his own recipe of Oltimigumi, Orkokola, Orkinyei, Orkonyil, Enkuseron, Sekete, Olosesiai… (Kikuyus here are seeing dust with these words, you guys stick to dragon fruit, quails, macadamia and nyama at Kamakis).

So any Maasai with a sikio la kufa is automatically in solidarity with Trump and that’s why we need to give this guy a Maasai name. I have come up with a few suggestions you can add more in the comments.

1. Trump Oloiborlukunya
2. Trump Oloirborsesen
3. Trump Olonana
4. Trump Melkisedek Saruni
5. Trump Matayo Olonana

I love number 4, we can be calling him, Melkisedek lang’